Something to do...

Well, it was a tough day.  I was off, which was of course, a blessing after working the night shift on Saturday.  At some point I will have to share the fun and excitement that is a level one trauma center on a Saturday night in the summer!!  Nonetheless, I was exhausted yesterday.  Today, though I faced the day.  It was another biopsy day for mom.  Today it was the lymph nodes.  There are times I really hate that she is far away and I cannot get in the car and be with her.  This was one of those times.  Leave it to modern technology though, she was able to text me.  LOL!!  I got the blow by blow of the injection, the waiting, the endless waiting, to the description of the nice warm blankets they had her wrapped in.  I think my favorite text of the day was a steady stream of nonsensical consonants.  I asked if she had mis typed it, but when I got no answer, I later learned she had just been medicated.  LOL!!  In the end, she called, half loopy to say she was headed home.  What a relief.  Now, time for some serious prayer that the nodes are clean. 

In the midst of my day I looked at a blog by Denise.  She talks about how she thought she would react hearing she had passed through her dispensation and on to IBESR.  I know about that question.  I too fantasize about what that would be like.  To hear, we are through the worst of it, and have moved on to the beginning of the end.  I too began to wonder, will I be at work?  Will I cry?  Will I go crazy?  What exactly?  I am not sure.  Then, as I was thinking about it, I got an email from the orphanage director.  Our beloved Rachel.  No, it wasn't our approval, but a copy of a power of attorney in french that needs to go through the Haitian Consulate.  Well, not what I was hoping for, but at least the ability to do something to contribute to the process.  I do better with work.  This idle waiting is hard.  So, off to call the Haitian Consulate in Chicago first thing in the morning to see how to get this ball rolling.  I think I must be the only one on the planet excited about doing that.  LOL!!  However, it reminds me that every task, no matter how small is one step closer to bringing my little Nate home where he belongs.

A light in the dark

Ok, I will admit it. I am very good at worrying. The Bible tells me,"don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself.". For me, that is such a hard lesson, especially today. I have a lot of worries. I worry every minute if Nate is OK, does he remember me? Is his tummy still bloated? Did he get his medicine? Then I worry about my mom's fight with cancer. She is having yet another biopsy Monday, and more surgery later in the week. I worry about if our adoption paperwork will move out of social services soon? Or is it as the blogs say, it has fallen into "the black hole".

So, I drifted through my work shift, worrying along the way. I got home and poured over the email hoping for some glimmer of hope that something would be solved. Nothing. Then out of the blue, Zachary presented me with a sealed envelope."Here Mom, you got email!" He was so proud of himself. I opened the envelope and inside was a simple piece of white paper he had carefully written three little words"I love you". Just what I needed. I hugged him tight and he just beamed with pride. He knew he made my day. It reminded me of all the frustration and worry that came before his adoption was final. It also was a firm reminder that no matter how hard it is, one day I will be looking at Nate in my living room and it will all be worth it.

Earthquake!

Well, I am sensing a theme through my posts. The last one was hurricane, this one is earthquake. Lol! So, today, we had an earthquake. The epicenter was reportedly in Virginia, but Facebook and other outlets are covered with reports of where people were and what shook and how they felt. I was home when it happened and other than a small thud I heard from upstairs that I mistook for the cat jumping off a dresser, I would not have even known if it were not for the news. Nonetheless, all media outlets are covering it. Interviews, reactions, evacuations and on and on. I found myself just tuning it out. Instead my attention was turned to those Port Au Prince images burned in my mind's eye. There was the vision of the the tent cities showing no signs of emptying any time soon, crumbling buildings, and the people. It made me a little annoyed with the media reaction of an earthquake that as of a few hours ago had no injuries reported.

I guess my annoyance was not to last though. In a fit of frustration, I flitted around fox news.com to try to find some other news when I stumbled across an article about Rob Lowe. He is arranging a Habitat for Humanity project in Haiti to build 50,000 homes! I remember seeing their logo down there, but had no idea what the project was. Even better was he publicly challenged Donald Trump to back the project with his many zillions of dollars. How awesome.

On another note I found myself wondering where my little Nate was when it happened. He would have been 11 months old. I know his twin died, but was left wondering if his twin was alive then. I have been composing some questions for his birth mom and I found myself adding these things to the list. It must have been so hard for her with little babies and the earth shaking
under her feet. I am now only hoping she will have the courage to meet us on our next visit.
I would like to be able to share these things with Nate as he grows.

Hurricane!

One more time, I nervously watch the news hearing of yet another hurricane. It doesn't look like Haiti is going to get too much of the wind, but certainly a lot of rain. I saw they are to get nearly 10 inches. It makes me worry about Nate as when we were there it was pretty clear he didn't like storms. Today, I could stand it no longer and zipped off an email to the orphanage director inquiring about the state of things. I really don't expect to gain any meaningful updates on the adoption process, but it maybe I will get a good anecdote about Nate. This is where my lack of patience shines!

Anyway, we were given a challenge at church yesterday. It was to fast for 40 days, be it a fast for food or Facebook, or whatever. We were to change that time for prayer to ask God what it was He wants to do with us. How can we be used, in other words. I think this came at a good time for me. Outside, of adopting Nate, I am sure that God has more for us. I am just not sure what that might be. Wuld it be another child? A medical mission? Many more trips to Mountain Top Ministries (ok, so I would love that!) in all actuality we are just not sure. So, day ine down, no good answers, but through my time in prayer I was able to come away wi that there were two people I needed to reach out to. One was my mom, spiraling through a very frustrating cancer work up with no answers just yet, and my friend, hugely pregnant due any day. I love them both and after taking the time to do this realized I had gotten a chance to enjoy them both and be distracted through the frustration of waiting for Nate. We shall see what day two might bring!

Back to work...

Today was my first day back to work. I was dreading it as I lived in my nostalgic world of Haitian memories. As it turned out, being busy wasn't all bad. It took my mind off the seemingly insurmountable wait laying ahead of us. Suddenly today as returning to reality set in, I had a sudden thought of realizing I was completely unable to do anything more in this adoption. I am in the great unknown of when the next step will happen and completely not in control of it. It is all a bit frustrating. We are now waiting for our paperwork to come out of social services. We really aren't sure when this will be. It went there at the beginning of July and at that time we were told five months. Now they are saying,"much sooner.". Whatever that means.

So, working and the kids going back to school must be what I need to take my mind off. I am hoping God finds some other way to speed this up. As I have eluded to before, patience and not having a plan are not exactly my strong suit. That is probably why I endure this stuff. God continues to try to teach me patience. I wonder if I will ever get better at it???! LOL!

Reflections on a day with Nate

Yesterday, we arrived in Haiti.  Nothing could have really prepared me for what I saw through the streets of Port Au Prince.  There was such a huge number of people bustling around all with the same goal.  That was to make some money.  There were young men attempting to wash the windows on the truck we were in, there were children selling ice, many people with stands of American clothing, women with baskets of fruit on their heads and on and on.  This all amidst the backdrop of buildings that had crumbled, all in various stages of being rebuilt. As we left Port Au Prince we began to drive through the winding roads up the mountain to the village of Thommassin.  The area got nicer and nicer as we went.  Then, it happened.  After months of prayer and love from our friends and family, we arrived at the orphanage.  I walked in to our little Nate playing with the children, only to have him immediately walk to me arms held up ready to be picked up and he didn't want to be down much the rest of the night.  I think he somehow knew I was his momma and was ready to go. 

He was a bit stoic for the first hour or so though.  Quietly looking around, not really interactive, just on my lap.  I tried to put him down to see if he would play, but he just gripped  my neck tighter. Eventually, it was time to eat.  He ravenously ate down rice, beans, salad, bread, chicken til I thought he was going to bust.  As he sat on my lap eating, I was able to really look at him.  He has a big bloated belly we became so familiar with in 1996.  Our first child had this as well.  Otherwise, he looks a bit anemic, but we already knew that.  I think God really didn't want me to worry, because all my concerns were a bit better watching him eat.  Eating like that will solve all that when he comes home.

After dinner, we went with the Summers standby.  We fired up the laptop and put on Sing Yourself Silly, a Sesame Street video.  He loved it.  He started to loosen up a bit and eventually began to play.  He did come off my lap but was sure I was not to be more than a foot away.  I watched him with amazement.  He was curious, wanting to find things and learning how to vroom the cars his big brother picked out for him.  In the end, he snuggled in and went to sleep.  It was really a wonderful day. 

This morning we sit in the guest house, viewing the beautiful mountain scene

Yet Still My Head is in Haiti

I am beginning to wonder if I left part of my head in Haiti.  I think at this juncture it is a given that my heart is there.  My little Nate is there, and by default, part of my heart.  However, I have found in the last 48 hours, my head is there too.  I am finding it increasingly more difficult to look at life in the same way.  Today, my daughter, a senior was filling us in of all of the latest teenage drama.  She shared a variety of her concerns about this person or that and on and on...I found myself thinking all of that was so insignificant, when we were face to face with people who could not eat regularly.  I found the line at Target less annoying and just grateful to be in a Target that was ever so convenient compared to the steep gravel road where we bought carrots on Saturday. 

Speaking of which, that was an interesting time.  We pulled up to this gravel road on the side of the mountain.  On the side of the road were several tap taps.  A tap tap is basically a truck of some sort, pick up, flat bed whatever, benches are installed in the bed and sides fashioned out of metal and then the whole deal is painted with colorful paint.  It is used for basic transportation.  People jump on, pay about fifty cents, ride until they want to get off.  They tap the sides of the vehicle to let the driver know it is time to get off, thus the name.  Anyway, there were several donkeys, and even a pig.  The people there were hard at work gathering their vegetables and organizing them for the tap taps to take to market.  We bought some veggies for the orphanage and ate some carrots right out of the ground.  They were really good.  Anyway, as we were drinking it all in, I noticed the road continued on at a crazy grade up the mountain, that vehicles could not drive on.  Two of the children from the orphanage had come from the other end of this road.  I probably mentioned before that their birth mothers had walked twelve hours one way to give their children to the orphanage. 

While we were there a man approached our orphanage director.  He noticed two white families with our black babies and started to ask questions.  Their interchange lasted quite some time as I found out later he had many babies.  Some with mothers, some with fathers, some with no parents.  He was struggling to help his community to deal with it as they did not have even the basic needs for them.  He asked if she would take the babies.  She had to explain she would take children between 0 and 2 as they stood the best chance of adoption.  Besides, at Rivers of Hope all 15 babies except one are linked with families, eight of whom are nearly ready to go home.  Thinking about this, I thought about how difficult if must be to try to decide who would go to the orphanage, who would stay, would they live?  Again, the little things that seemed annoying before our trip, now seem just silly.  I guess this must be one of those life lessons God has set out to teach us on this journey.

However, I did have a true joy today.  I was able to get our orphanage pics uploaded for my fellow mamas blanc.  I loved hearing from them and how excited they were to see their babies even if only on film.  Here's to hoping we can all see them more than just on film, but under our very own roofs!!  No news yet...