Why????

First, an update, then my thoughts for the day. On Tues, I got an email from our coordinator. English is not her first language so as I waded through the message I took away that Alex's file was complete. His passport was waiting to be printed. As I sat back and marinaded in this, I suddenly noticed a paper clip. A paper clip next to the email. Wait a minute...an attachment. What was this?  I opened the email again. There at the bottom after multiple exchanges between my coordinator and myself was the most beautiful piece of artwork I had ever seen. It was Grace's passport!!!  This marks the end of the Haiti side of the adoption. I saved it to my phone and just kept opening it. Her name was Summers. She was really mine. She is MY daughter.  No longer do I have to call her "that little girl we are adopting". She is now,"my daughter."

With that, I began reflecting on the last two years. Two years of hurry up and wait. Two years of overwhelming joy meeting our children for the first time, and crushing sorrow as we got on a plane for home without them. There were holidays without them, birthdays without them. So many difficult times as my family was not under this roof. I was suddenly reminded of when this all started. People asked us,"Why?"  Why would we adopt?  We had three children. Two were nearly grown, one now in school. Why was our family not complete?  Why would we take this journey?  I even was asked by a close family member,"um aren't you getting a little old for this?"  

Well, the "why" is answered easily. God told us to. There were the gentle nudgings in a dream, the informant, Zachary, who said "God told him he would have a brother who was brown" a year before we started this, there was the money that showed up to the penny what we needed, all in yes, this is of God. I think the best answer to "why" is the feeling I got looking at Grace's passport. She came from another mom, she is not the same color as me and is from another corner of the world, yet she is mine. It is such a magical blessing.  I have had this same feeling with my other three and will be excited when I see Alex's passport. It makes all the delays and heartache begin to slip away.  It reminds me that all the delays were worth it and grateful God chose me to take this journey.

Hurricane Sandy

We have had a tremendous amount of rain so far this summer. It has brought to mind that old phrase "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is". I guess until this point I had considered that phrase something I would use to provide comfort in difficult situations. Thinking of the storm in the proverbial sense as opposed to the real sense. However, yesterday it was a real storm that once again brought this phrase up for me. Tropical storm Chantal blew through Haiti closing the government Thurs and Fri. Yes, my friends here we are again on storm delay. The last big delay we had due to a storm was Hurricane Sandy last fall. Grace's birth mother made the 18 hour journey to Port Au Prince during the storm for her birth parent interview. She was late, then rescheduled. As if that were not bad enough, the storm killed the cell service and they could not locate her for weeks. Even when our coordinator sent a man to get her he brought back the wrong woman. Yes, God was bigger than that storm. Despite the delays, He overcame and got that birth parent interview done.

As I was thinking about this today in an attempt to remind myself last week's storm was not fatal, something else dawned in me. Hurricane Sandy was more than my adoption delays in my life. It was the realization that Grace's mother is so committed to her future she would walk through a hurricane to give her away. As if the pain and tragedy of losing her daughter was not hard enough, the vision of her walking through this storm all those hours was downright humbling to me. Sandy was not done yet in my life though. Today I spent the afternoon with Jack. We picked out snacks, sunscreen, insect repellant and various other things. He leaves in one week to go to Rockaway Beach Island to continue the clean up efforts after Hurricane Sandy there. It is his first mission trip. To think of God working in him as a result of the same storm was a bit overwhelming to me as well. I began to wonder if maybe this phrase was not accurate at all. Maybe it was not about God versus the storm at all, but really how big God is in the storm that matters.

Empty Water

Time is dragging on here. Every day with no passport news is excruciating. Somehow not being near the end was difficult, but now that we are closer it is almost harder. A good friend warned me of that. The fact of the matter is I am not a "go with the flow" person. I am a planner, detail focused person. These nebulous situations can...well...make me a little crazy. So, on Weds on a whim I decided, at the urging of my oldest son and his friends, we needed a distraction. I packed up the car and took three teenagers and my 7 year old for an overnight at Great Wolf Lodge and a trip to the Cincinnati Zoo. Yesterday I found myself, as I often do in the summer, poolside. I looked out over the water and became acutely aware it was empty. I tried to insert Grace and Alex into this scenario. I thought about them in their bathing suits I bought them, hers a white Polo one piece with pink polo ponies all over it, and Alex's a light electric blue, also with a big Polo pony on it just like Zachary's (and yes I love the Polo outlet!). Thinking about them missing and the reality of the empty water settled over me. No, my friends, not an easy emotion.

I turned to prayer. Isn't that what we do when times are hard?  I asked God why I got empty water. Empty arms and empty water. At that moment my attention was turned to the water flowing down some rocks into the pool I was in. That water was not empty. It was moving, alive almost as it cascaded down. It reminded me of the analogy that Jesus is the living water. I thought about how all this crazy adoption started in the first place. The money showing up where it had not been there, meeting the man who would bring us Grace now almost two years ago at a rudimentary vegetable stand on the side of the mountain. So many things along the way. Gracie's impact on orphanage visitors, and Alex's. As a newborn his imprint left such a lasting impression on someone she began her own adoption. All those thoughts came rushing at me at once and I finally realized the water may be empty right at this moment but it won't always be. It will spring to life just as our adoption has and will probably be warmer, sunnier, and more beautiful than I can imagine.

Long Time...No Blog...

I guess at this point it is my time to turn myself in to the blogging police. I see I have not posted since January and honestly have just left our adoption followers hanging. No updates, no news. I am guessing at this point even my loyalest of followers have likely given up. The truth is, I nearly did too. We entered the ministry of the interior in the beginning of December. We exited ....wait for it..... Last week. We had umpteen frustrating delays each one more difficult to deal with than the last. I spent a lot of time in tears. I asked God over and over why?  I could not stand to hear the phrase,"in His timing". I could not stand to be asked over and over,"when are they coming?"  I smiled through gritted teeth while I heard phrases like,"why won't they let them come home? Don't they realize these children need homes?" Seven solid months of questions. Seven solid months of no answers.

Now....an answer. We are in passports hoping to exit there this week and on to the US Embassy. They get to come home then. It still seems a bit unbelievable and I guess it will until we make flight arrangements. During this time I heard the song "Everlasting God" quite a bit. The lyrics rang out,"Strength will rise as we wait upon The Lord."  Somehow lo these 7 months there were many times I was anything but strong. I was sad. I was angry. I missed the children so much I felt physical pain in my heart. However, I know today I am in fact stronger. I look at a close friend quite a bit behind us in the process. I saw her pain this week and was able to just know to encourage her. I spend a lot of time with Zachary, my 7 year old. I got to take the time to learn he felt left out of this. His heart needed time to prepare.  He needed time to transition from baby of the family to big brother. He is beginning to look at every situation and picture how Grace and Alex would fit in. As he prepares, I got his passport. He needs to come pick up his new brother and sister.  This is definitely something I would have missed if they were already home. As hard as this time has been, God's lessons in my life are coming to light, and yes, I am beginning to believe the strength has started to rise as I wait (albeit impatiently) on The Lord.

First Presents

I have spent the last week or so tormented over the first gift. I always do this for an adoption. I feel that when our children are given to us, I should have something very special for them. Something they will remember and we can see in their room for years to come and say, there is the first thing I ever gave you. This is such a tall task. For Katya it was a little doll dressed in blue with yellow yarn hair. For Zachary, it was a stacking toy I bought in a Russian toy store, and on from there. I guess people are just used to babies coming with "stuff". Like a blankie or a toy or a pacifier. International adoption is not that way. In the past, I pulled clothes out and changed them into stuff I brought right in the orphanage. Literally, they were naked when we got them. These children have never owned anything. They have never had a toy that was theirs or a favorite shirt. So, the first possession I give seems to carry a lot of significance.

I have scoured the Internet, considering this and that for each. Finally, the gifts are bought. For Grace I bought the American Girl Itty Bitty Baby. I think the initial reaction I get when I tell people this is that perhaps I am spoiling her. OK, I would agree to a certain extent, however, the doll is black. It has hair like hers and dark eyes. She comes with a book about her homecoming we can write in and lots of outfits are available for her. Grace is easily overwhelmed in new situations. I have two sets of grandparents dying to see her. So, both sets plan to bring outfits for her baby. They will come to visit Grace's baby with clothes. The thinking being if we made the visits about her baby she would be less overwhelmed. As for Alex, I had to get him a lion. I cannot explain it, but he seemed to just quite a lion. Perhaps I considered Alexander the Great, or the king of the jungle, nonetheless, something to signify his very important station in this family. I found a two foot tall fleece lion that is made of striped fleece. It is soft, fuzzy and snuggle able. After turning two earlier this week, my baby just may need something to snuggle with. Yes, I realize a two foot lion transporting to Haiti may be a bit difficult, but we are taking it nonetheless.

As I sat back completely satisfied with completing this very difficult decision, I found I could not rest long....I had forgotten something important. Something vital to the adoption process when you have multiple children...there is the issue of what Grace and Alex will bring their new siblings. I think this especially applies to Zachary. He needs to feel important too!  So, back to the drawing board I go!

The Color is Chosen...

Yesterday, I blogged about trying to figure out a good playroom color. Fortunately today I had two very solid advisors with excellent track records. First, I had Jack. He is 16 and loves to paint. We moved into this house three years ago and has painted his room twice. Then, there is Zachary, age 7. One of the players for the play room. After much careful consideration, we selected blue. Not just any blue a dreamy bright yet muted blue somewhere between sky blue and periwinkle. Yes, it has one of those fancy paint names, but somehow ocean mist just does not describe it enough for me.

As I stood in the new playroom tonight looking at those blue walls, Zachary was rolling on the now clean floor in his Angry Bird jammies. He was singing and chattering away. I tried to imagine this combined with Grace's singing in creole as she loves to do, oh yes, quite a beautiful chorus was forming in my head. I saw Zachary with his Darth Vader busy marrying Grace's Princess Tiana under a beautiful blue sky instead of a plain wall. I see Alex quietly playing with Elmo and drawing looking up every once in a while taking in his sister with a look on his face that tells me he clearly thinks she is crazy, something he likes to do. I kinda think this look will come in handy for Zachary too.  Somehow that bright blue is the perfect backdrop to this expression. Yes, we did it. We captured the perfect Summers family playtime. Up next?  The perfect Princess Grace room.

Nesting...for real

It seems like I have written many blogs about nesting. Early on I characterized nesting by buying sippie cups. Later it was clothes and a blankie for Alex.  I have bought room decorations, but today I took the plunge. Paint. I started in what will be our guest room. I Painted the top half of the room a cement gray and the bottom a deep mauve with glitter mixed in. The glitter is very subtle, you can only catch a glimpse at certain angles. Anyway, I put my praise music on and sang along and realized this is real.  I allowed my mind to wander and think about, what next. Grace's room?  I made a list in my head of what I needed. Pink paint. Lots of pink paint. I would do the glitter thing but take it up a notch. I thought about her playing dress up today and even found a trunk to start putting those close in. I made a list of what she needed...frilly dresses, long gloves, hats, many beads, a tiara,,,good thing the trunk was big!  And so the day went. Painting, planning, singing and happily nesting.

Tonight, I finally am sitting in my favorite chair, with my heated blanket, dried paint on me despite the shower mulling over a new dilemma. What color?  I finally decided next I would do the playroom, and save Grace's room for last. Our living room is two stories. There is a staircase that goes up to a bonus space that overlooks the living room. This is our new playroom, currently it is empty. The main wall is shared with the living room so i do not want to change the color, the living room leads to the dining room and open to the kitchen. I would be painting the whole first floor!  Anyway, I want to do an accent wall. I need a color that is not too outrageous as the space is open and visible from the living room, however, I want something fun. As I mull this over my mind wanders to what will go on in that room. I picture Zachary, age 7 playing Star Wars, Grace age 3  playing princess, maybe a tea party and Alex enjoying Elmo. Do you suppose Home Depot has a color that says, the marriage of Darth Vader to Princess Tiana with a tea party featuring the guest of honor Elmo?