Why are these Arms So Empty?

For a while now, this wait has been excruciating. Yes, it has always been hard. There are those quiet moments I can almost see Grace and Alex at my side, it is as if I can just about touch them or hear their laughter. It used to be those moments made me smile. Then, all at once, they did not. They made me angry. Angry the children were not here, angry I could not see them, just angry. I have spent some time trying to figure out why the change. Why all the sudden, did these arms seem SO empty. In the last few days, I have figured it out. It is not just Grace and Alex's absence or lack of adoption information. It is my children here. On Friday, my daughter will graduate from high school. It has been a very long road with her with many valleys and steep mountains to climb as we fought long and hard against her emotional issues stemming from her first few years that were not with us. Soon, she will leave this home. She has signed with the Air Force. Although she is the right age to go, she has fought so many demons I just maybe am not quite ready to let loose of her. Somehow the mama bear in me wants to shield her from a world that was so unkind to her in the beginning, but how? How is this mama bear any stronger than a young lady in a starched blue uniform standing tall? I no sooner wrestle with this, that I realize Jack, my 16 year old is within days of getting his driver's license. His increasing absence has already started. He is flying on his own, out with friends and talking about college. Our oldest still does not drive and was more of a home body, so this is new for me too. Somehow he must have sensed this, although I try so hard to hide it, as he texted me to pick him up last night to spend some time with me. Nonetheless, I see the end for him too. As I thought through all of this, I realized this Mama's arms don't just ache for my little Grace and Alex but for my Katya and Jack. The good news is, through my time spent in prayer and working through all of this I was reminded of lots of things. I remember bringing Katya and Jack home for the first time. She was three and he was 7 months. She worked so hard to learn English and I remember her trying so desperately to talk to me. "Bert and Ernie?" she would say so I would put on Sesame Street. Then there was her trying to teach me Russian. My favorite story was her teaching me her name. We thought it would be easier to call her Katie. We tried when she first came home, then one day it was,"No, mama, KATYA (pronounced Katcha).". She then indicated I was to repeat after her. Lol! There was my first mother's day when Tim taught her to say happy mother's day in her thick Russian accent. Somehow, through all of that our steep mountain climbs didn't seem so bad. Then, I also began to see, it is almost time to do all this again. Two new babies, a new language, first "I love you's", first tantrums, first fears, first joys. Now, all the sudden, I can enjoy my quiet moments again. Although the last few weeks have been hard, God has blessed me with my special little Zachary. He seems to be that happy constant. He is happy in my arms and has soothed that achy arms syndrome that hit so hard. Somehow, I think that is his gift. He is preparing for his new siblings' arrival by talking about all the things he will teach them. Most importantly yesterday he told me that he would teach them about Jesus. Somehow, I think he just might.