Reflecting....

I realize i have a few followers who watch our adoption process like our own little prayerful cheering section. To those of you, I must just say sorry. I realize I have not posted in nearly two weeks. The reality is, early on when we lost Nate my rational brain took over. I saw his mother's love and Nate's ability to remain with her. I still see this, but on the other hand I feel a sense of loss. We met him, loved him, made plans for him to fit into our family like a little puzzle piece. Each passing day brought with it more info of how he would perfectly match, until the day he didn't. To be honest, I have been truly blessed by a handful of people who have lost referrals for adoptions for one reason or another. These wise women, and you know who you are, have allowed me to do something I have come to value in this and that is grieve. They shared with me that although we lost Nate because of the love someone felt for him, we still lost him. So, we are trying to bravely look ahead and see what God's next move will be. I think the hardest part of that is to try to love our little Alex without fear or reservation. It is hard to give him my heart without being afraid one day he will be gone too. Then, I realized Alex is missing something Nate had all along...a mama. Nate was home until he was two, his mother leaving him was heart wrenching for her. Alex was brought to the orphanage at birth. He never had a mama to snuggle with. So, I think my true test is to love him without abandon and let God protect my heart when the time comes. Alex needs me, and it is not fair to hold back. So, for now, we are looking ahead and hoping for news that I can go and love my boy like only a mama can. The reality is, that news will probably not come until January or February,but still, God can move mountains, so why not my paperwork?