This is Real...

It seems that an eternity has passed since we started this journey. Months and months of waiting, months and months of red tape, delay after delay, some man made (cell system failure), some divine (2 hurricanes) somehow, I found myself not really allowing myself to see the actuality of the situation. Call it the professional adopter's distance if you will. It is that place I take myself in professional settings. I am a nurse practitioner in the ER. I see tragedy every day.  It is that wonderful ability I have developed after twenty years in medicine to be empathetic in the moment, yet put it in a neat little box on the shelf next to the ER door when I leave. I cannot really explain it, but it is a mechanism that allows me to love what I do without doing me in emotionally.

I think if I were truly being honest perhaps I have done that to a certain degree with the adoption as well.  Don't get me wrong, I love my new babies so much, and I cannot wait until they come home, but I have not given them my whole heart...not yet. Oh, I buy baby clothes (yes, one of my favorite activities) but there is that part of my brain that says if it doesn't work out, these can be donated. There are the items I have bought for the rooms, but then again Zachary picked out the theme for his and Alex's room (Angry Birds). So, I have an extra comforter, it is still in the package and can be returned as can all the stuff for Grace's Tiana princess room.  So, me giving my whole heart has not happened yet. Until now I have given myself an out.

Today, I was reminded that "the mountains are steeper and the valleys are deeper than I ever dreamed." Steven Curtis Chapman's wise words. Until now I hung to those words. I accepted this very difficult journey as it has been more difficult that I ever imagined. Today though, I got some news. Alex's adoption decree is just about done and Grace's is not far behind. Her mother is coming to sign off on it "this week". She has been wonderful, walking through two hurricanes to do adoption things, never giving up on providing Grace with a future with us. I am amazed by this woman. I met her on our last visit and although we could not communicate at first as I do not speak creole, her pain at giving Grace up was palpable. So, with this final signature, we enter the last phase of the adoption.
Simultaneously, God has provided us the final funding, and yet again, the curtain on God's show pulls back just a bit more.

With all of this, suddenly, I am able to open that box that holds the rest of my reservations and fears and slowly be able to let them go, and realize I have once again become a mother, this time a true mama blanc, and I can finally begin to accept Steven Curtis Chapman's next line of the song,"I know we're gonna make it. I know we're gonna get there soon."